It’s been a really tough week. Maybe one of the hardest spiritually of my whole life. I feel like the Lord is testing me - like he did with Abraham - to see if the faith I profess is actually true. To see if I actually WOULD follow Him no matter the cost. And I have to be honest with you. NEVER have I doubted like I have this week. I was questioning whether or not a life of obedience was worth the sacrifice. Is it worth it to trust the Lord even when He’s asking you to abandon something that is REALLY hard to give up?
The Lord hit me with this huge fork in my spiritual road, if you will, last Friday. I was sitting in my cubicle and the Lord completely convicted me of running from His call on my life. I have been running for the past few months because honestly, I am scared. The thought of following Him down the path He is leading me terrifies me. Every part of my flesh wants to run - but in the back of my mind I knew sooner or later I was going to have to submit.
But what if I didn’t?
That was the question consuming my thoughts for the past week. What if I chose to be disobedient? Could I still love the Lord and serve Him, yet not obey a command He was giving me? Regardless of the answer, I was choosing it. All week, I’ve been struggling spiritually, but have had absolutely no desire to spend time with the Lord or read His word. I was making my choice. And I was becoming numb.
Maybe numb isn’t the right word, because the Lord was still speaking, I was just choosing to turn a deaf ear. Or maybe it is the right word. All I know is that I have never questioned more than I have this week.
You see, last Friday, the Lord dealt with the issue I’d been running from. Confronted me with a tough question.
“Will you still follow Me down that really terrifying road if it means living in a third world country - and doing it without a husband or a family? Will you follow Me if it means being single for the rest of your life?”
Now, here’s where I was struggling. That’s a really tough pill to swallow for a girl who has felt called to be a pastor’s wife since her freshman year of college. Someone who has been planning life around her future husband. Someone who wants to be married and be able to walk alongside a life brother and to have children and raise a family. Was I willing to give that up? And not only that, but what was I willing to give up my friends and family here as well?
Honestly, I wasn’t. I called my mom with tears running down my face because it scared me. It scared me that the Lord had asked me to sacrifice something and I wasn’t willing to give it up. It scared me that I had weighed the pros and cons of living a disobedient life. It scared me that I had decided I would rather live disobediently than answer the call and be alone.
So, I’ve been kind of numb this week. I’m not sure if the Lord was asking me to sacrifice that in an Abraham-Isaac way, or if He really has planned for me to spend the rest of my life as a single. But that’s not the point, right? When the Lord asks us to sacrifice - as He did of Abraham - we never know what the outcome will be. That’s where faith comes in. Something I was lacking in this week.
Tonight, I went to SBCV Studentz camp - to see old friends, mainly, but I decided to stay for the service to hear Tony Nolan + check out the illusionist. What I did NOT expect was for the Lord to teach me so much and restore our relationship. But praise be to God that He did. Praise Him that my time of doubt and questioning did not last long, and He brought me answers and clarity.
The worship leader, Andy Kirk, led us in one of his own songs called “Wake Up My Soul.” Brittany leaned over and said, “You’re going to like this one.”
Check out these lyrics:
My heart is numb to You O GodBreak me of who I amYou are God and I am notHelp me to understandOpen my eyes to seeAwaken Your heart in meWake up, wake up, wake up my soulAnd hear the sound of the SaviorThe mighty and faithful, the Great I AmLift up, lift up, lift up, my songAnd sing with all of creationThe mighty and faithful, the Great I Am
It was like the Lord was speaking directly to my heart. And here is what He said to me.
“If you choose to disobey Me, I am still just as faithful and no less worthy - if you choose to become numb, the rocks will cry out in your place. Your doubt does not change who I am.”
Later, Tony said this: ”There is nothing you will let go of that God will not fill your hand with something greater still.”
I believe that the God of the nations, should He choose to take away a husband and family in my future, has something greater still planned for my life. Yes it’s hard - and yes it’s a very lonely call to accept, but my doubt in His faithfulness does not change anything except for my own heart.
I felt Him saying to me - “I have proven my faithfulness to you time and time again - I have even allowed you to witness miracles performed by My hand. You of little faith, what more do you need? Open your eyes - I AM WORTHY.”
My maker, my healer, strength through the agesIts You that my heart beats forMy Holy Redeemer, God of the nationsI’ll worship forevermoreOpen my eyes to see, awaken Your heart in me
The Lord reminded me of one of my favorite verses in Zephaniah 3 - The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. And later, in Malachi 3 - For I, the Lord, do not change; and therefore you, O sons of Jacob, are not consumed.
IF WE ARE FAITHLESS, HE REMAINS FAITHFUL, FOR HE CANNOT DENY HIMSELF.(2 Timothy 2:13)
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