Today marks eleven years since my dad went home to Jesus.  I can still remember that Sunday morning so vividly - the memories are so sharp and the emotions still so memorable.  I had never experienced loss and sorrow and grief so deeply in my life - and it was a pain I honestly never thought was possible.

My heart physically hurt - it felt like there was a 500 lb. weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe.  I cried and cried and cried until there were no more tears.  I couldn't imagine then living with that pain for the rest of my life.  Before his death, I felt normal - just the right amount of full - but after he was gone I felt empty.  Like the grief was eating away at me inside and leaving an empty hole where feelings used to be.  I felt numb.  Every day of the next few years really was just a blur.  Everything was still happening, but I wasn't quite there.  Sorrow and pain had filled that emptiness - but I still felt almost hollow.

In the last eleven years, I have learned this:  sorrow and grief do consume you - they leave you feeling empty and incomplete - but in that process they also increase your capacity to experience joy.  Anyone who belongs to Christ can experience joy (and fullness of joy) regardless of circumstances or the amount of suffering they have endured.  Psalm 16:11 tells us that "in [His] presence is fullness of joy."  Please don't misinterpret what I am saying here - there is no less joy for those who have not experienced death and sorrow or endured suffering.  There is fullness of joy for all who are in Christ Jesus.

Although it may not seem like it during the trial, those who have endured suffering whether through the persecution of the church, through cancer, or through the loss of someone they love can still have the fullness of joy promised in Scripture!  The verse does not say, "in times of feast is fullness of joy" or "in years of His favor is fullness of joy" - IN HIS PRESENCE is fullness of joy.  Despite circumstances, despite sickness, despite depression or heartache or anxiety - because of His presence there is fullness of joy.

As I described before, it felt as through the grief I was experiencing was emptying me - taking away parts of me - I felt considerably less than before my father's death.  I think that suffering kind of digs deeply into parts of us - leaving a void in its destructive path.  But I also think that this void increases our capacity for joy.  If Scripture promises that we can be filled with joy - even when we may be more empty because of circumstances - wouldn't that mean that we are capable of experiencing more joy?

Maybe I should clarify for a minute what I mean by more joy.  I do not mean that God gives more blessings and favor and grace to those saints who have endured suffering.  I do not mean that He gives gifts as a reward for those He has called to endure the loss of a loved one or those who He has appointed to endure cancer or those He has sovereignly chosen to endure persecution.  When I talk about joy - I simply mean the joy of the Lord.  The unadulterated, everlasting, overwhelming joy that we experience when we commune with the Holy Spirit and enjoy His presence in our lives not because of what He provides but because of who He is.  It is this joy that suffering gives us more capacity to experience.

After enduring suffering (of any kind) we grow in a deeper appreciation for this joy that the presence of Christ offers.  This certainly does not rid us of any sorrow or grief or anxiety or depression - as Spurgeon says, "Fits of depression come over the most of us.  Cheerful as we may be, we must at intervals be cast down.  The strong are not always vigorous, the wise are not always ready, the brave not always courageous, and the joyous not always happy."  This suffering allows us to experience more joy despite the suffering itself - more vigor for the strong and more readiness for the wise and more courage for the brave and more happiness for the joyful.

When you are enduring periods of suffering (whatever it looks like) do not grow weary!  Though the pain may be greater than you think is bearable and the sorrow seems like it will never cease - though you may cry until there are no tears left to produce and "though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning."  (Psalm 30:5)

"I have never heard anyone say, "The deepest and rarest and most satisfying joys of my life have come in times of extended ease and earthly comfort." Nobody says that. It isn't true. What's true is what Samuel Rutherford said when he was put in the cellars of affliction: "The Great King keeps his wine there"—not in the courtyard where the sun shines. What's true is what Charles Spurgeon said: "They who dive in the sea of affliction bring up rare pearls."  (Piper)

It seems to be a rather obvious theme that the Lord would call to mind the topic of waiting while I was sitting in the Denver airport waiting to catch my red-eye back home.  Our flight was delayed due to inclement weather, and my spirit was anxious.  Storms always make me nervous, and the thought of flying through one instantly created a knot in my stomach and caused my chest to be tight.  I have noticed recently that I had developed many tendencies towards anxiety and I am trying to be intentional about recalling to mind God's truths in those moments and commanding the anxiety to leave in the name of Jesus.  And of course, because God is faithful, the anxiety subsides when I focus my attention on the One who isn't moved and who never leaves.

I know (that I know that I know) Jesus will speak when I am trusting.  Joyfully.  With a gentle and quiet spirit.  But it is so easy to grow anxious.  To grow impatient.  Or to grow discontent, even.  To want something other.  And to, in turn, believe that I cannot be sufficient in Christ alone.  That I need that something other.  It seems overwhelming that it is so easy to stand on a mountaintop one moment, declaring the glory and majesty and sovereignty of the Lord, and the next moment to fall into a valley of weariness and anxiety - failing to trust in the One whose sovereignty you were just praising.  Hands extended in praise ("Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!") immediately hold your anxious chest as your heart and spirit question where the Almighty is.

"The disciples went and woke him, saying, 'Master, Master, we're going to drown!'  He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm.  'Where is your faith?' He asked His disciples.  In fear and amazement they asked one another, 'Who is this?  He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him.' (Luke 8:24-26) - it's a question our anxious hearts must be asked time and time again.  "WHO IS THIS?"  We must constantly remind ourselves who He is when we are on the mountaintop rejoicing and when we are in the valley despairing (yes, especially then.)  We must be intentional of reminding ourselves of what we know of who He is constantly.

Our anxious hearts forget so quickly so we must be intentional.  Remember, anxious one - remember!  ("Taste and see that the Lord is good!")  He is steadfast!  Faithful!  Able!  Gracious!  Enough!  Merciful!  Sovereign!  Glorious!  Majestic!  Strong!  Compassionate!  Slow to anger!  Rich in love!  Good!  He is holy!  Worthy!  Deserving of all honor and glory and power forever and ever!  Amen!  Amen!

Heart, do not be anxious.  Do not grow weary of the mountains before you when you are standing in the valley.  Everywhere the Lord has sovereignly led you before (EVERY INCH YOU HAVE STEPPED) He will continue to be sovereign and faithful and He will sustain you.  Thank Him for the adventure ahead of you and do your best to enjoy the journey.  (And remember, an enjoyable (joy-filled) journey is not drenched with anxiety.)  It is embarked with trust and a quiet spirit.  Let each step of your adventure be filled with praise.  ("Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!").

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things...and the peace of God will be with you." (Philippians 4:6-9)

My whole life, I have always liked to know what was coming.  I've long been a fan of spoilers, and I don't particularly like surprises.  I like to be prepared and to fully understand expectations before jumping in.  In life, this usually means that I just read ahead and research theories and try to make connections that will lead me to more truth - more revelations - more knowledge.  In my relationship with the Lord, this usually means that I do not trust and I anxiously follow as He leads me step by step.

Constantly, I have asked the Lord to show me what is coming.  What He has for me next.  "Just the next few steps, Lord."  I just want to know what He has in store in the coming days and weeks and months and years.  And constantly, the Lord is declining my request and surprising me at the last second.

While trekking through Nepal, one of the pastors we were working with famously said, "Thirty minutes" whenever we asked him how far anything was.  And I do mean anything.  "How far is this hike today?"  "Oh, thirty minutes."  "Can you ask that man how far the village is?  What did he say?" "He said thirty minutes."  Even after thirty minutes had long passed and we asked how much further, "About thirty minutes."  I never once knew before we began how long the hike or trek or bus ride or walk or anything was.  And even though this happened time after time, I still trusted him fully every time he said, "Thirty minutes."  No matter how difficult the terrain, or how difficult it was to breathe, or how impossible the hike seemed, I repeated to myself over and over and over, "Just thirty more minutes.  I can handle this for thirty more minutes."  Every step was bathed in prayer for strength and protection and just enough trust to take another step.  Now, if I had gone into some of our hikes and treks knowing what it would entail beforehand, I would have been defeated from the start.  But because I knew I could endure for just a little while longer - I kept moving.  No matter how difficult, no matter how many times we had to stop, I kept going.

The Lord was protecting me from the weight of knowledge He knew I couldn't bear.  And I can imagine that He does the same in my daily walk with Him.

"It's too heavy," I said.

"Yes," he said.  "And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load.  It's the same way with knowledge, Corrie.  Some knowledge is too heavy for children.  When you are older and stronger you can bear it.  For now you must trust me to carry it for you."

And I was satisfied.  More than satisfied - wonderfully at peace.  There were answers to this and all my hard questions - and for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping...

- - -

Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed.  "Corrie," he began gently, "when you and I go to Amsterdam - when do I give you your ticket?"

I sniffed a few times, considering this.

"Why, just before we get on the train."

"Exactly.  And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too.  Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie.  When the time comes that some will have to die, you will look into your heart + find the strength you need - just in time."

(Excerpts from The Hiding Place)


Over and over - and I do mean more times than I can count - the Lord has given me the knowledge that I need just in time.  He has revealed just enough to give me the strength to take one more step - to endure for just a little longer.

He reveals enough - not always an abundance - but just enough.  Never once has He failed me.  Never once has He given too little.  Never once has He left me in need of any part of His character.  He always gives enough.  His love is steadfast and His grace is constant.  He is faithful to the end.

When I stop and think of all the times that the Lord has been faithful to me, I am overwhelmed.  I cannot even begin to count the ways.  Growing up, I would always grow a little discouraged when people would say, "You think you know who God is?  You haven't even scratched the surface."  I felt like what was meant to be an encouragement to the limitless knowledge of God because something unattainable.  "I've been following Christ for x-amount of years and I have studied x-amount of Scripture and I have prayed x-amount of times and I haven't even scratched the surface?!"  Knowing the Lord felt impossible.  But as I have grown, I have come to learn that I have still just scratched the surface, and that I know very little of who God is in His fullness in the very best way.

I have learned His character and His faithfulness and His love and His grace in quantities that are more than enough to sustain my love for Him eternally.  I have never been more convinced of anything than I am about the goodness of the Lord.  "But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift (which is limitless!  It knows no bounds!  It is eternal!)."  (Ephesians 4:7)

A dear friend I met in India reminded me of this truth when I was struggling to grow in my intimate knowledge of the Holy Spirit.  She said, "God gives us grace according to Christ's gift, which is everything.  God gives good + COMPLETE gifts to his children so there is no limit to the grace he gives us.  We don't need to achieve at a high level to have more grace for the gifts of the Spirit, but he is glad to pour out an abundance of what we need - exceedingly + abundantly more than we can even imagine."

And even in the midst of His grace that is exceedingly + abundantly more than we can even imagine ("If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking") - we haven't even scratched the surface.

"To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One.  Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these?  He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing."  (Isaiah 40:26)

- - -

 "By his power he stilled the sea; by his understanding he shattered Rahab.  By his wind the heavens were made fair; his hand pierced the fleeing serpent.  Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of him!"  (Job 26:14)

John Piper said, "Every one of the billions of stars in the universe is there by God's specific appointment.  He knows their number.  And most astonishing of all, he knows them by name.  They do his bidding as his personal agents.  When we feel the weight of this grandeur in the heavens, we have only touched the hem of his garment.  'Behold, these are just the outskirts of his ways, + how small a whisper do we hear of him!"

Five years ago, before I had gone to India for the first time, I had often prayed silently that the Lord would bestow on me a gentle + quiet spirit.  At the time, I didn't have a full understanding of what I was asking for - but I was seeking it nonetheless.  I knew that a gentle + quiet spirit was something that had been praised in women whose faith I had admired in my church growing up, and it was something that was praised in Scripture.  "Charm is deceptive + beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised," right?  I knew, even very early on in my decision to follow the Lord, that I wanted to be a woman who feared the Lord and who had a gentle + quiet spirit.  I didn't know how to attain it or what it looked like - but I prayed for it anyway.

On a few occasions over the last several years - occasions that certainly stand out quite vividly in my memory - I have had women I strongly admire commend me for my gentle + quiet spirit.  It is a compliment I do not take lightly, but one that I didn't fully understand the weight of until recently.

In the last few years, I have spent some time studying what exactly it means to have a gentle + quiet spirit.  Is it easier for people who are more reserved?  Wouldn't it be very hard (and maybe discouraging) for an extrovert to be told she should have a gentle + quiet spirit?  And even more so - that is it precious in the sight of God?  How can I grow in my gentle + quiet spirit to be even more gentle and even more quiet?  Do I even understand what this means at all?!

Let me assure you - I did not have it all figured out.  (I still don't.)  But the more I have learned what this means - the more I realize that it is difficult to maintain + it really is something to aspire to + to be praised.  (And the more I really don't have one?  Yeah, that too.)  Most importantly, I think - the more I have learned about having a gentle + quiet spirit, the more I have desired it.

1 Peter 3:3-4 says, "Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair + the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle + quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Yes, that.  I want that.  The hidden person.  The imperishable beauty.  The gentleness.  The quietness. The preciousness.

Holy women make themselves beautiful by trusting in God - by displaying the sufficiency of Christ alone - and as a result, develop an inner beauty of a spirit that does not worry or grow anxious or weary.  A spirit that is loving and joyful and peaceful and patient and gentle... God wants (+ desires!) to produce in us these fruits.

"Meekness is calm confidence, settled assurance, + rest of the soul.  It is the tranquil stillness of a heart that is at rest in Christ.  It is the place of peace.  It springs from a heart of humility, radiating the fragrance of Christ...[It] is the silent submission of the soul to the providence of God concerning us.  To study the art of quietness is to take pains with ourselves, to work upon our own hears the principles, rules, + laws of meekness; and to furnish ourselves with such considerations as tend to the quieting of the spirit in the midst of the greatest provocations."  (Matthew Henry)

If we are being honest, more often than not, my heart is anxious and full of worry.  Over many things, over everything, over nothing.   I certainly would not describe my spirit as tranquil or still or peaceful - but oh how I desire to.  And if there is anything that I have learned lately it is that God delights to give us the desires of our heart.

Even in the midst of this lesson and this desire, I found myself in a place of worry and anxiety tonight at work when a very dear friend leaned over to me and said, "Do not worry!  Those are not good thoughts."  In those moments - in the many things, in the everything, in the nothing - we must choose to rest in the Giver of fruitfulness - the Giver of love and joy and peace and patience and gentleness.  Choosing rest + trust will lead us to the hidden person, the imperishable beauty.  It will lead us to the gentleness, the quietness.  And it will lead us to the thing that is so precious in God's sight.

Back in 2011, I got to begin my year by worshipping the Lord in a remote village in India - sharing the Good News with people who had never heard and giving new sweaters to precious children.  It was one of my very favorite January 1st memories - and this year I got a similar one.

Again in India, I experienced so much of the Lord's favor + blessing as we began a new year.  One that would be marked by growth + new experience + laughter + adventure.

"Today was so eventful!  It was packed full of the Lord's blessing + favor - exactly what I am declaring for this year."

A few days prior, when we were sitting on a rooftop in Nepal, one of my teammates brought to mind a passage that we had all been drawn to already on the trip - a passage that we often quote, but we stop too early!

 "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, + the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor..."  (Isaiah 61:1-2)

We had all decided that the Holy Spirit had led us to this passage to begin praying over 2014 - that it would be a year of the Lord's favor in His church.  When I got home, I shared this with a dear friend of mine at work, and she shared that her church in Lynchburg, VA had been studying the same passage and declaring the same thing for the church in the coming year.

On the very first day of this year, the Lord allowed me to share my story in a church in India.  I talked about the Lord's grace, and shared about the lost sheep in Luke 15, and shared a few verses from Psalm 28:  "Blessed be the Lord!  For he has heard the voice of my plea for mercy.  The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.  The Lord is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed.  Oh, save your people and bless your heritage!  Be their shepherd and carry them forever."  I shared some of the lyrics from my favorite hymn - ones that I have tattooed on my arm as a constant reminder of this very lesson:  It Is Well With My Soul.  I encouraged this small church to rest in the Lord's steadfast love in the coming year and to trust in His sovereignty "whatever [our] lot."

I have been learning every day since more + more about the blessing + favor of the Lord.  He truly just pours out - and delights to pour out - His favor + blessing on His children.  We just need to open our eyes to it.

How joyful is the life whose eyes are opened to the blessings + favor bestowed on them!  When we were leaving Nepal, I prayed for nail polish.  With all of the hiking + sweating + greasy hair for 2 and a half weeks, I just had a desire for my nails to be painted + pretty + girly.  I prayed that the Lord would bring us nail polish - somehow.  Three days later, when we arrived in India, the pastor's wife asked if she could paint our nails for us.  THREE DAYS LATER I HAD PINK NAILS.  My heart was so full.  I couldn't stop smiling!  About a week later, we drove by a market and I saw carrots.  (I absolutely love raw carrots.)  I prayed silently as we drove by that the Lord would bless me with carrots - I never mentioned it to anyone, but three days later we had raw carrots for dinner.  We didn't just have raw carrots at dinner that night - we had them at EVERY MEAL FOR THE REST OF OUR TIME IN INDIA.

If I can get that excited over pink nails + raw carrots, how much more joyful should I be over the even greater blessings + favor the Lord shows me?!  The fact that I am able to approach the throne of God above is reason enough to celebrate with every breath I am given.  The fact that I am adopted by the King of Kings and an heir with Christ is reason enough to rejoice "whatever my lot."

"A Christian whose soul is healthy is joyful + will share along the lines: 'I will not speak about myself except to God's honor.'  'He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud + mire; he set my feet on a rock + gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.' (Psalm 40:2-3)  'The Lord has done great things for me, + I am filled with joy.'" (Psalm 126:3)  -Spurgeon

Friends, I challenge you to dwell on that last part today.  The Lord has done great things for me, + I am filled with joy.  Declare it.  Choose joy.  Determine that your footsteps today will be ones filled with joy.  Decide that your heart will be glad + your mouth will be filled with a hymn of praise to our God because he has set your feet on a rock + has given you a firm place to stand!

"On this earth I may wander, but in Him I dwell in a 'peaceful abode, a tent that will not be moved; its stakes will never be pulled up, nor any of its ropes broken.'"  (Spurgeon on Isaiah 33:20)

In all of my travels + seemingly nomadic life, the Lord never ceases to remind me of His steadfast love.  Often times, it comes in a whisper, through laughter, through the weather, and sometimes it comes in a loud roar, through rain, through His Word, through the words of His saints.  This particular reminder came through the words of one of my favorite of His saints - Charles Spurgeon.

"I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger."  (Psalm 39:12)

"Yes, O Lord, I 'dwell with you' - not 'near You.'  All the alienation I had from You in my natural state has been removed by Your grace.  And now, in true fellowship with You, I walk through this sinful world as a pilgrim in a foreign land.  You as well are a stranger in Your own world, for people forget You, dishonor You, and enact new laws and practice customs without knowing or acknowledging You.

"When Your dear Son 'came to that which was his own...his own did not receive him' (John 1:11).  'He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him' (John 1:10).  There was never even a foreigner who was such a fish out of water among the citizens of any country as Your beloved Son was among His mother's own people.

"Thus, it is no wonder that I who live the life of Jesus should be unknown and considered a stranger here on earth.  In fact, Lord, I would never want to be a citizen in any land where Jesus is considered to be an alien.  His pierced hands have loosened the ropes that once tied my soul to earth, and now I find that I myself am a stranger in this land.

"...Yet here is the sweetest part of my seeming predicament: I am a stranger 'with you.'  You are my fellow-sufferer, my fellow-pilgrim.  Oh, what a joy to wander this earth in such blessed company!  My heart burns within me when He speaks with me along the road.  And though I am a wanderer, I am far more blessed than those who sit on thrones and far more at home than those who sit in their seemingly secure houses.

'To me remains no place, nor time,
My country is in every clime;
I can be calm and free from care
On any shore, since God is there.

"While place we seek, or place we shun,
The soul finds happiness in none:
But with a God to guide our way,
'Tis equal joy to go or stay."
(William Cowper, 1731-1800)

Jim Reimann adds to this commentary, "'Tis equal joy to go or stay' or, as Paul said, 'I am torn between the two' (Phil. 1:23).  Believers have a God-given yearning for what lies ahead.  'We ourselves...groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies' (Rom. 8:23).  Yet Paul recognized he was being used to prepare others for glory - 'I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith.'  Then he left the Philippians with this:  ''Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ' (Phil. 1:25, 27).

What great advice!  May we heed this advice today + always.

i know that a lot of my friends read my utmost for his highest - and well, i do too, occasionally.  oswald chambers is a wonderful vessel of wisdom from whom a lot can be gleaned.  but.  i absolutely love charles spurgeon.  i have studied his sermons for years, and have learned so very much from this man of God.  recently, i bought an updated version of his morning by morning - a collection of daily devotions (much like my utmost) and was so struck with yesterday’s that i just had to share with you.

// this, then, is how you should pray:  ”our father in heaven, hallowed be your name…”  (matthew 6:9)

from the pen of charles spurgeon:

the Lord’s prayer begins where all true prayer should begin - with the spirit of adoption:  “our father.” no prayer is acceptable until we can say “i will arise and go to my father” (luke 15:18 kjv).  this childlike spirit will then soon perceive the grandeur of the father “in heaven” and ascend to the devout adoration of “hallowed be your name.”  the childish mouthing of “abba, father” (romans 8:15) quickly grows into the angelic cry, “holy, holy, holy” (isaiah 6:3).

then there is only one step from rapturous worship to a radiant missionary spirit, which is the certain outgrowth of devoted love and reverent adoration - “your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (matthew 6:10).  next follows the heartfelt expression of dependence upon God: “give us this day our daily bread” (matthew 6:11).  further illumination led by the Spirit takes us to the discovery that we are not only dependent but also sinful.  hence the plea for mercy: “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (matthew 6:12).  once we have been pardoned, having the righteousness of Christ imputed to us and knowing we have been accepted by God, we humbly plead for holy perseverance: “lead us not into temptation” (matthew 6:13)

someone who is truly forgiven is eager not to offend again, for possessing justification leads one to a strong desire for sanctification.  the phrase - “forgive us our debts” - is justification, while - “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” - is sanctification, stated in a negative and a positive way.  finally, as a result of all this, a triumphant attribution of praise flows forth: “yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever, amen.” (matthew 6:13).  we rejoice that our King reigns in sovereignty and shall reign in grace “from the River to the ends of the earth” (psalm 72:8) and that “his kingdom will never end” (luke 1:33).

in summary, from a sense of adoption that ultimately rises to the level of fellowship with our reigning Lord, this short model of prayer guides our soul.

// Lord, teach us to pray. (luke 11:1)